Fake it ‘til ya make it

I’ve finally realized that I don’t post or comment in a lot of situations because of some weird internet form of perfection anxiety and timidity.

I go through about 42 iterations of “Am I saying anything that is of value to anyone”, “Could this possibly be news to anyone or have they all already solved this / been there / done that?”, “I’m not going to complain about this, everybody goes through this.”, and a million other internal judgements before I either just don’t post or I decide “Whatever, nobody knows about my little blog anyway.”. I’m constantly thinking, worrying, planning, wondering about training, but I rarely ever post because I always feel like if I can’t spend the time that I want at the task, for example making a readable blog post with reasonable punctuation (should I have used a semicolon there?), then I just shouldn’t post at all. I mean, every little blog post doesn't have to single-handedly define and represent me as a person for crying out loud. I just need to get over it. Where is my Tyler Durden?

Another thing that stops me from posting is that I’ve trained so little BJJ since last November because of injury (sternoclavicular separation) and issue (Lumbar disc compression = ick nerve). I got over the injury and now I’m just working on coming back from the weakness; hey, I can do 5 whole pushups. I’ve been working on the Lumbar issue...and I may be hallucinating or it may be improving ever so slightly, ever so slowly. Anyway, because I haven’t trained BJJ regularly in so long, I start to feel like, well, like an imposter, like a poser, when I want to be involved still in the jits community. I know, I know, that’s stupid. We all get injured or have downtimes and they don’t revoke our belt, right?

Screw it, I’m going to break all of my own rules in an effort to...to what exactly....to put what I feel out there. Mostly so that when I communicate with someone (via the internet), they can have a sense of who I am. Grok me? I mean, if some of the blogs that I read regularly had never blogged I would still be trying to figure out a number of things related to BJJ, some CrossFit, nutrition, mobility, etc. And I wouldn’t have made some great friends. And one day, when I get my jitsabbatical on, I’ll have a couch or two to crash on.

I found BJJ and I got pulled in (avoiding the swept up pun, poorly) right away. I loved wrestling with my dad when I was a kid. He used to tell me that monkeys that didn’t get enough contact got lonely and depressed and that we weren’t going to be lonely monkeys. My mom wasn’t the wrestling type and probably spent years nagging my dad to be careful. I’m pretty sure he wanted a boy. She wanted a girl. They both won and both lost. They got a girl that can’t stand dresses...or pink...or barbie.
In addition to the overwhelming number of BJJ videos on youtube, I also found the blogger “network” and I read bits and pieces of my own story, concerns, and issues reflected in a number of different places. I believe that Valerie Worthington’s blog is the first one that I found, actually via an article on CrossFit and BJJ, and I read the blog literally straight through, like a book. *That* is an introduction to BJJ. It’s like, “Hello, welcome to BJJ. Would you like to sell your house, quit your job, and couch surf the country training BJJ now or would you like to put that off until slightly later?”. I had to take a seriously deep breath and remind myself that as a brand spankin’ new white belt, with like 6 months training, it was highly unlikely that following in those Valhalla footsteps would have good R.O.I. for me at such an early stage. I keep telling myself I can do that trip when I’m a fresh purple to really get the most out of it. Who knows, it is debatable, highly debatable, at what stage a jitsabbatical would best serve a person. I assume that being in your own personal best physical shape would help wring the most technical bang for your buck out of such travels. That is factored into my plan [dream/concept].
Shortly thereafter I found Georgette, slideyfoot, BJJGrrl, A.D. McClish, Dev (and many, many more great bloggers) and all the good advice out there about training, competition nerves, ego-less improvement, etc. Thank you guys, thank you all. Know that there are new people out there reading even when they don’t follow or post or contact you. They’re there and tomorrow somewhere someone will walk into a BJJ school for their first time or for their 30th with at least one new concept in their head. Recently I found Dagney Taggert’s blog (best.blogname.ever, spelling mod on purpose), which is fascinating to me because she sounds like the truly positive mental spirit (like A.D. McClish, above)...unlike myself. I don’t feel like "I can do anything". I feel like "I should be telling myself I can do anything." So, one of my topics lately is how to get from telling myself that I can do anything to just *feeling* like I can do anything. I’m thinking it’s a learned skill. I shall keep running in the morning, going to CrossFit after work, researching nutrition and leaning toward Paleo, (stopped wheat already). I’m thinking that in the short term I’m gonna fake it ‘til I make it.
I can do 5 real pushups. In February I couldn’t do 1 pushup. In May/June I could do 2 pushups. I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, but it sneaks in. I feel guilty when I feel sorry for myself...super guilty. I keep telling myself to JUST KEEP DOING THE WORK. That is where blogs come in handy. I follow you guys’ progress and love of the sport and it keeps me in touch with jits and with how I feel about jits. I’ve thought lately about going back, but I don’t want to have a stutter start. I’ve been back just enough this year (May/June) to get promoted to Blue, but my new Blue belt is just that...crispy. It’s taunting me...”I’m so crispy, what’s wrong with you?”. Wow.
I was thinking that I should set a couple of CrossFit type goals (pushups, FGB score, etc) and once I make those CrossFit goals then I can go back to jits. Having that specific barrier to entry will keep me from constantly guessing whether I should go to jits now or keep getting stronger first, etc. It’s not a trick question; for me the answer is get stronger first (specifically core) to protect my Lumbar discs and facets. The minute I step back on the mat it will be the instant rampup that it was last year and it will start out with 1 hour classes, then work its way up to 3 hours at a time. That wouldn’t be smart with Vertebrae and facets grinding on each other. So, I’m brainstorming (and taking suggestions) for my goals that I have to hit in order to go back to Jits. For example, 5 pushups ain’t gonna get me far in jits (and protecting the Lumbar), so I definitely need to pick the magic pushup number to shoot for. I’m thinking a minimum Plank hold time would be good...maybe 4 minutes...more? Maybe a specific “Fight Gone Bad” score and...

Fakin’ it ‘til I make it...

Wow, I fell off the planet

The only way I can describe the last 8 months is:

1. Prepping for Grappler's Quest; lost 14 pounds, felt great, great, great.
2. Got hurt in a match 11/14 (3 weeks before GQ). Ripped the ligament between sternum and clavicle, tore a lot of surrounding tissue. Difficult to explain, but they had both of my arms for an armbar attempt but my thumbs were facing inward (toward them) so when they pushed with their hips my chest got the leverage and ripped. It was a freak thing. There was time for me to tap out if I had known I was in trouble. 8-12 week estimated recovery and it's been just under 3 months so the Dr's were pretty much right on.
3. Went to GQ to cheer my team on.
4. Many mental ups and downs about why I grapple, what are my goals, what do I enjoy, how to improve, tournament mentality, etc, etc.
5. About 2 months into the injury, finally got comfortable in my head
6. Last week the P.T. gave me the go to start using my shoulder in controlled exercises, no plyometrics, no partner, just solo, controlled drills.
7. Immediately moved all furniture out of my living room and put down mats. Now there's plenty of room for drills. ;)
8. Found out quickly that I lost so much strength that I literally can't do 1 single pushup.
9. Fuck it, I'll come back from this
10. This morning 2 miles on the treadmill and tested out a few bodyweight exercises

The most dissapointing thing that happened is that I had to miss Women's Grappling Camp. The best thing that happened is some of the understanding I've gained about match mentality, etc.
Gotta keep recovering my strength, flexibility, etc. Gotta lose the 15 pounds I put back on. Forward, forward, forward.

**** Smart Goal Bodyweight 2010.04.01 (post-injury) ****
Specific: Lose 15 lbs by 04/01/2010
Measurable: Weigh 160.0 (from 175. I did it once, I'll do it again.)
Action:
Treadmill TUE & (SAT or SUN). Some weeknights.
BJJ MON,WED,SAT
CrossFit TUE, THUR?
1300 calories a day
Realistic: 2.5lbs/week
TimeBound: April 1